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Trials and Tribulations of Getting Old

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens !"

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't have a regular bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the can all day and nothin' happens!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


News Flash ... MICHELIN MAN DENIES PATERNITY SUIT
Click Here for details

 

PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

 

WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR
( this has nothing to do with automotive, but it was too good to pass up)

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"   Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes" came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again, the small voice whispered, "No"

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No he's busy" said the little voice.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman." came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!" asked the boss, now getting alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me!"

 

Today's World

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'

Tired of the paper clip?
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Speeding

The Pope is in Las Vegas at a convention giving a speech ,, when the speech is finished he climbs into the back of the Popemobile ,in the bubble ,, the driver gets in and they start heading to their hotel ,, after a few blocks the Pope knocks on the window and says hey pull over I feel like driving ,,, the driver pulls over gets out and they switch positions ,, the Pope takes off like a maniac ,, 70 ,, 80 ,,, 90 m p h ... goes by a cop who chases him down and pulls him over ,,,, the cop walks up to the Popemobile , looks in the bubble ,, looks at the driver ,, looks back at the bubble and starts shaking his head ,,,,, wait here I have to call the station ,,he goes back to his car calls in and says ,, sarge I just pulled someone big over and I don't know what to do ,,, the sarge says well who is it ? the mayor ???,,,, no bigger than that ...... who then the governor ?? no bigger ,,,,,the president?? no bigger ,,,,,,, well who the heck is it ????? the cop says I'm not sure but lets put it this way ,,,,, he has the Pope for a chauffeur !!!!

Speeding II

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took hislicense without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go." "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice night," said the officer.

Bumper Snickers

  • Be Patient, I'm pushing a big motor home (on a car being towed behind a motor home)
  • My kid beat up your honor student.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
  • IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
  • Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  • A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
  • BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! 
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.
  • HANG-UP & DRIVE
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • It is as BAD as you think, and they are out to get you.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on the reality check?
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal!
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • i souport publik edukasion.
  • We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
  • Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Phrases to live by

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't

 


Social Software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 toGirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently, he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running beforehe can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such asMotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcomingGirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if sodesired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. - that one's pretty bad, but had to say it)

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried touninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall itby hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks - in allversions of GirlFriend that I've used is that is totally "object oriented" andonly supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

*** BUG WARNING ***
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstallingWife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. ThenMistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.


The Accident

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident andit's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. Theycrawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're apriest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. Thismust be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and livetogether in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with youcompletely. This must be a sign from God. And the rabbi said, "and look at this.Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen Davidwine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few bigswigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink atall, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't yougoing to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for thepolice."


Engineers

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, achemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Microsoft Windows computer engineer. Thecar breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized, have to strip down theengine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as ifthe fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electricalengineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:"Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back inagain?"


How to tell where a driver is from

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
  • One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on accelerator: California*
    * with gun also in lap: L.A.
  • Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross against the light: San Francisco
  • One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, listening to KEZR
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
  • Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle
  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
  • One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates.
     

TOYOTA TV AD #2, The Toyota Human Touch
This ad is not seen on American TV, but it is not to be missed.  Click Here to View it.  You will need Windows Media Player to view it.

 

TOYOTA TV AD
This ad is not seen on American TV, but it is not to be missed.  Click Here to View it.  You will need Windows Media Player to view it.


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